God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
