the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
my shit smells like andre
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
