I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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