I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
