Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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