the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
