i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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