Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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