plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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