Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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