you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
This house was built for laser tag.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
