Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
