I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dick very happy bro
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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