I just threw up on my dentist
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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