Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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