sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
