The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize