So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
