I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
