Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
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She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
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