Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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