I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it's like iHOP with fire
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
