I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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