Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize