I faked an abortion last night.
my shit smells like andre
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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