The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
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so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize