I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
