What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
