its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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