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i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
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