ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything