I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.