dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
