i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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