I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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