So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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