Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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