if i can run in heels then i can drive
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
