My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
