Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
