she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
