Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
even my farts smell like vagina
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
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we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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