were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize