In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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