I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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