just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form