How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.