The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
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my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
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We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life