At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dating After Heartbreak
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me