4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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