my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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