I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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