My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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