I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
