I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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