Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
