It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
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My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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