My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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