I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
