took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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