My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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